


Angel in the Snow

by Nicky_Gabriel



Series: The Beginning [1]
Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-09
Updated: 2012-02-09
Packaged: 2017-10-30 20:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/335903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicky_Gabriel/pseuds/Nicky_Gabriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No, he saw no kids in his future. No wife either. And he was okay with this prospect, as long as he had Starsky there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angel in the Snow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laura_McEwan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laura_McEwan/gifts).



_better stop before it goes too far  
don't you know that i love you  
sometimes i feel like only a cold still life  
that fell down here to lay beside you_  
 **Elliott Smith**  
  
  
1.  
  
“Thanks, Hutch!” Rosie Dobey ran down the stairs and waved a hand at Hutch as she followed Cal to her brother’s car. “I _will_ practice!” she promised.  
  
“You’d better!” Hutch said and waited until they drove away.  
  
“You would make a great dad, buddy.” He heard Starsky’s voice in the kitchen.  
  
Smiling, Hutch picked up the mail that was scattered on the floor in front of Venice Place. He closed the door and went to put his guitar back on the stand in the corner.  
  
“I'm just giving her guitar lessons,” he said, sitting on the sofa.  
  
“With kids, you are a natural, pal!”  
  
Hutch smiled and leaned his head against the back of the sofa. There was time when he used to think about kids very often. The last time he seriously considered such change in his life was when he met Gillian. Unfortunately, his dreams were crushed when Gillian died and it was too painful to ever get back there again.  
  
But Hutch still remembered the feeling when he was holding his niece — Michelle — for the first time in his arms after she was born. How could such a little baby make him feel so alive he had no idea, but he treasured this memory as one of the most important moments in his life. Giving up wasn’t in his nature, but he was a realist and he knew that he would never hold his _own_ child in his arms.  
  
No, he saw no kids in his future. No wife either. And he was okay with this prospect, as long as he had Starsky there.  
  
Hutch sighed and looked at one of the envelopes he picked up from the floor and blinked.  
  
 _DAVID STARSKY  
1027 1/2 OCEAN AVE. _  
  
Hutch was looking at the letters as if they were written in Japanese. For the last few months Starsky had been staying in his apartment, but it was the first time Hutch noticed how his partner’s mail was addressed. He was so preoccupied with taking care of Starsky that all the arrangements about Starsky’s moving in with him had been Huggy’s responsibility. Apparently their friend had also informed the Post Office about the change.  
  
“What’s that?” Starsky’s voice startled him.  
  
Hutch looked up. “‘S for you.” He handed him the letter.  
  
“Thanks.” Starsky sat next to him and opened his mail.  
  
Hutch suddenly felt that there was something he was missing. Something very important but also... Dangerous? Scary? Something he should avoid thinking about because if he would think about it, it would become real and Hutch wasn’t sure he could handle it. Whatever it was.  
  
Starsky skimmed the letter and sighed. “Mom won’t make it here for Christmas.”  
  
“Why?” Hutch turned toward him.  
  
“She says she wants to stay with Nicky and his family this year.” Starsky shrugged, but Hutch couldn’t miss the sadness in his voice.  
  
He reached out and squeezed Starsky’s wrist. While Starsky was recovering from the shooting, his brother got married and his first son was born. So far Starsky had only seen them in pictures, because right now the family couldn’t afford to meet up.  
  
“Can you blame her?” Hutch whispered, knowing that whatever he said, it wouldn’t be enough for Starsky.  
  
“Nah.” Starsky shook his head. “I know she spent here a couple of weeks in August. It’s just — I feel so...” He frowned frustrated. “Doesn’t matter.” He tried to get up, but Hutch held him in place.  
  
“Hey,” Hutch said. “Of course it does matter.”  
  
Starsky didn’t move, but looked at Hutch’s hand.  
  
“I think she — already gave up on me,” Starsky admitted calmly.  
  
“Of course she didn't!” Hutch shook his head. He didn’t understand the love and hate relationship Starsky had with his mother, but what he witnessed during last summer only confirmed that the ‘love’ part was more powerful in the mixture.  
  
Starsky cast the letter on the table. “Hutch, when she was here – she thought... She didn’t want me to go back. And you know what? Having this option was tempting,” he finished sheepishly.  
  
Hutch blinked, surprised. “Starsky, from the moment you opened your eyes in the hospital, the only thing you wanted was to go back!”  
  
“I know,” Starsky nodded, facing him. “But now I know that I don’t have to be a cop to be — me. I know that for people who matter for me, it wouldn’t make any difference.”  
  
Hutch smiled. “But?” he asked.  
  
“But my life isn’t only mine!” Starsky said and looked up at the ceiling, resting his head against the back of the sofa. “I have to — think about other people.”  
  
Despite the angry sound of the statement, Hutch felt nice warmth around his heart. “Me?” he asked.  
  
“Yes.” Starsky didn’t hesitate even a second.  
  
“You know I would leave if you decided to,” Hutch said, still holding his hand.  
  
“I know,” Starsky said, more calmly now.  
  
“And I will.” Hutch felt it had to be said.  
  
Starsky smiled and closed his eyes. “I don’t want to leave.”  
  
“So what’s the problem?” Hutch let go of his hand and shifted so he could look at him closely.  
  
This time Starsky did hesitate. “It’s about my Dad,” he whispered.  
  
“Your Dad?” Hutch blinked, surprised.  
  
“Yes, he was married,” Starsky said as if it would explain everything.  
  
Hutch frowned because it didn’t for him.  
  
“Of course he was,” he said cautiously, not seeing the connection to the topic.  
  
Starsky bit his lip and then glanced at him. “What I mean is that me being a cop is not the reason that I’m not married, because my Dad was and it worked, so... there must be...”  
  
Hutch didn’t like where Starsky’s thought process lead. “What?”  
  
“There must be something else wrong with me, more than just what I do for living.”  
  
“Starsky, there is nothing wrong with you!” Hutch squeezes his arm. “It’s not your fault that the women we’ve met so far couldn’t understand our job.”  
  
“I know that.” Starsky flinched but didn’t move otherwise. “And I do know that there are women who _do_ understand. But to know that my own mother gave up on me... _again_...”  
  
Hutch couldn’t let him go there. “Starsky, don’t say that.” He shook his head. “Your mother was married and she was happy, so can you blame her that she wants the same for you? She thinks it’s the only way for you to _be_ happy.”  
  
“But it’s not.” Starsky’s voice was firm.  
  
“I know,” Hutch whispered. And he did. His mother used the same argument with him right after his divorce.  
  
Starsky met his eyes, but the phone rang before he could say anything so he reached for the receiver.  
  
“Starsky,” he said and waited for the response. “Good evening, Richard.”  
  
Hutch raised an eyebrow.  
  
“Yes, he’s here,” Starsky answered the question Hutch didn’t catch and he handed Hutch the receiver.  
  
“Dad?” Hutch asked anxiously. Usually Hutch called his father, much like Starsky called his mother, but when his father was the one making the call, it could only mean bad news.  
  
“Good evening, Ken,” Richard greeted him with unusual hesitation and now Hutch knew for sure that the news would be bad.  
  
Starsky must have seen it in his eyes, because he put a hand on his shoulder. Hutch leaned closer, so Starsky could listen to his father as well.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Hutch asked.  
  
“Elsa’s in the hospital.”  
  
Hutch held his breath. “How bad?”  
  
“They say it’s a matter of days if not less.” His father’s voice was calm but strained.  
  
Hutch felt Starsky’s grip on his shoulder tighten.  
  
“She wants to see you,” Richard added after a moment of silence.  
  
“I’ll be there tomorrow,” Hutch said firmly.  
  
“I’ll see you tomorrow then.” This time there was a relief in Richard’s voice. Hutch heard a click and the line went blank.  
  
Starsky took the receiver from his hand and put it back.  
  
“I’m sorry, Hutch,” Starsky said and rested his hand on Hutch’s neck.  
  
“We knew it would happen.” Hutch rubbed his temple.  
  
“You can never prepare for such things.” Starsky moved his hand around Hutch’s shoulder.  
  
“I know.” Hutch nodded. “You think Dobey’ll give me the next week off?”  
  
“Of course he will. I’ll see to that. It’s just before Christmas. So what if you take your remaining free days right now? We work on New Year’s Eve anyway. It’s him who owes us a favor, not the other way around.”  
  
Hutch considered it and realized that Starsky was right. “And we have worked every Christmas since we work for him.”  
  
Starsky smiled briefly. “Correct, partner. You start packing, I’ll call him.”  
  
Hutch nodded and got up. “Thanks, Starsk.”  
  
“You just be careful there,” Starsky warned and reached for the phone to call Dobey.  
  
“I’m always careful.” Hutch shook his head, almost exasperated.  
  
“Yeah.” He heard Starsky saying. “Just remember that you will be there alone. I haven’t left you alone for more than a day since last year.”  
  
Hutch stopped at the door to his bedroom. “Yeah, I guess you haven’t.” He turned to look at Starsky and met his eyes. Starsky just finished dialing the numbers and was looking at him with serious expression.  
  
They both knew it was true. For the last fifteen months they they’d shared Venice Place and Hutch just realized that they indeed spent every day together.  
  
“Listen,” Hutch said, trying to figure out why he was so scared suddenly. “If you don’t want me around anymore...”  
  
“Stop it.” Starsky didn’t let him finish. “You know it’s not about that.” He said. “But taking a break from me will do you good.”  
  
“I never need a break from you,” Hutch said almost soundlessly.  
  
Starsky smiled. “I’ll be here when you are back.”  
  
“You’d better,” Hutch warned him and went to pack.  
  
  
  
2.  
  
Traveling by first class had its advantages. Hutch liked the additional leg room and the attention the pretty stewardess was giving him, but right now the reason he was flying to Duluth was enough to make the girl’s effort fruitless. After an hour or so she started acting disappointed, but Hutch was too busy trying to figure out why seeing the way Starsky’s mail was addressed disturbed him too much to pay attention to her advances.  
  
Yes, Starsky was a constant in Hutch’s life and he had been a constant for almost fifteen years now. So, why had the envelope unnerved him so much then?  
  
It couldn’t only be the fact that they had shared Venice Place for so long now that Hutch couldn’t even remember how it was before Starsky moved in or imagine that it would end one day. And it would, right? Soon?  
  
Starsky was healthy again. He was back on duty, he had passed all the tests and exams and Hutch has been working with him on the streets for almost six months now. Starsky’s determination, stubbornness and endurance let him win over what life had thrown at them and Hutch could only admire him even more than he did before, if that was possible.  
  
However, that was the very same reason why Starsky didn’t need help anymore. Starsky could move out anytime and Hutch would have to learn how to live without having him close enough to touch. Losing Starsky would be worse than losing any other person he had ever shared his life with. Even the news about his grandmother hadn’t scared him that much.  
  
The constant fear had been his companion since May ‘79 and only recently had Hutch learned how to deal with the emotions his fear evoked as well. Yes, living with Starsky was no rose garden – they argued, they fought and they didn’t talk to each other for days, but Hutch always remembered the love they shared and he was more ready to forgive when he was aware how easily he could lose this love. And Starsky.  
  
But it might end soon, so maybe Hutch should start preparing for Starsky’s leaving?  
  
 _But taking a break from me would do you good._  
  
Was that the reason why Starsky said what he said?  
  
Hutch closed his eyes and leaned against the back of the seat. How was he supposed to live if Starsky left?  
  
  
  
3.  
  
Another hospital. Hutch hated hospitals. Despite the fact that doctors saved Starsky’s life so many times in places like Duluth Memorial, Hutch had hoped he wouldn’t ever have to visit such place again. And here he was. Duluth Memorial, fifth floor, Cardiology, room 508.  
  
“You came.” Elsa Hutchinson smiled at him, when he opened the door to her room.  
  
Hutch approached the bed she laid in and sat next to her, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. “Of course I did, grandma.”  
  
She looked pale and tired, but otherwise she was still as he remembered her. His grandmother always had white hair and a wrinkled face – Hutch wondered how it was possible that she had never changed over the years – as if time stopped for her one day. Her ninety four year-old face still held the beauty of an eighteen year-old girl he saw in the pictures taken on her wedding. Only Elsa’s eyes betrayed her. Her eyes were mirroring the wisdom of her heart.  
  
She reached out and touched his face.  
  
“You should have your hair cut, young man,” she said disapprovingly and Hutch smiled, remembering she always liked to tease him about his hair. “But finally you look like a man.” She nodded, her voice faltering with effort. “Every man should grow a mustache.”  
  
“Don’t expect me to grow a beard as well.” Hutch grasped her hand and leaned into her palm. He tried to ignore the sounds the monitors made, reflecting her weak heartbeat. “Can’t do that, I’m a police officer.”  
  
“You would make a great captain,” she said, more to herself than to him.  
  
Hutch felt his throat tighten with emotions. “Maybe one day I will?” he asked quietly.  
  
“Heaven forbid,” she said with a hint of impatience. “An unhappy Hutchinson is hell to live with.”  
  
“I think you know that firsthand experience?” Hutch winked at her.  
  
Elsa patted his cheek and let her hand fell on top of their clasped palms. “You were with us when Regis died,” she whispered solemnly. “I wanted you to be with me when I die, too.”  
  
“Elsa...”  
  
“Shut up Ken.” She squeezed his hand, surprising him with her strength. “And let me have my last wish fulfilled.”  
  
Hutch blinked the tears away. She always got what she wanted. Even Regis Hutchinson — his grandfather — could never say _no_ to her.  
  
“Tell me, Kenny, are you happy?” she asked, looking at him intently.  
  
Hutch felt her hand tremble.  
  
“Yes, Elsa. I am,” he answered, feeling how weak she really was.  
  
“Are you now?” Her whisper indicated how much effort it took for her to speak. “I had a good life. Long and happy. And I was blessed that I could spend it with a man I love.” She smiled. “Yes, even now he’s here.” She moved her hand over her heart. “Don’t cry, Kenny.” She reached out and brushed her fingers over Hutch’s cheek. “What else could I ask for? Some people never loved. I hope you will find your love, too.”  
  
Hutch bit his lip, trying to keep tears from falling. “I think I already have.”  
  
She nodded one last time and her hand went limp. Hutch heard the monitor confirm what he already knew and that’s when he realized that he had never told Elsa how much he loved her.  
  
  
  
4.  
  
The top floor of the watermill was Hutch’s favorite place to spend his free time when he visited his grandmother in the past. The rooms there were nicely furnished, with a hint of luxury but the warm colors and country style interiors made them cozy and comfortable – just like he remembered Elsa. What made this place special, however, was the sound of water in the river that always managed to calm his nerves almost as effectively as music would.  
  
At present the watermill served as the source of cheap electrical energy for the house and his parents’ land, but when Hutch’s grandparents first had moved in there in the 20s, it was the only watermill in the country and people traveled many miles just to have their grain ground into flour. Later the land expanded and the farm was built, but the watermill always remained a home for Regis and Elsa.  
  
Hutch opened the door to the narrow balcony and stepped out. It was cold and windy – snow covered everything – and considering the color of the sky and heavy clouds, Hutch felt it was going to snow even more in a few hours.  
  
He sighed trying to ignore the headache and pain in his back. The last two days that he spent in Duluth felt as if they lasted a century and even the preparations for Elsa’s funeral couldn’t keep his mind occupied enough to make him forget how much he was missing the warmth of California. And Starsky.  
  
“Ken?”  
  
Hutch turned around. “Dad?”  
  
Richard stood next to him and looked down at the picturesque landscape.  
  
“You didn’t find the peace you were looking for when you decided to stay in the house,” he said and it wasn’t even a question.  
  
Hutch always wondered how his father could still read him so easily even after all these years he had spent away from home.  
  
“No, I didn’t. I don’t think it’s possible,” Hutch admitted. Losing Elsa left an empty space in his heart and staying in her home was a way how to feel as if she was still there. In a way it worked, but he knew something else was missing and scaring him more than her passing away.  
  
Richard regarded him for a moment and then nodded. “You should call him.”  
  
“Who?” Hutch asked surprised.  
  
“David.”  
  
Hutch frowned and leaned against the balcony pillar, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
“I called Starsky in the morning,” he said. “He’s okay.”  
  
Richard grimaced. “Did you have a fight?”  
  
Hutch winced, but shook his head. “No.”  
  
“So?”  
  
Hutch didn’t answer immediately. He knew his father would wait as patiently for the answer as Starsky would.  
  
“He said that maybe some time apart would be good for us,” Hutch said finally and swiped a hand down his face in frustration. He didn’t like how it sounded, now that he said it out loud.  
  
“I’m not surprised that after all this time he had been staying in your apartment you both needed vacation time from each other.” Richard patted him on his shoulder. “Don’t think it’s more than that. He’s just worried about you.”  
  
“I sure hope so,” Hutch said, trying not to show how badly Starsky’s words affected him.  
  
Richard wrapped himself up in his dark, woolen sweater. “Ken, if I noticed that you aren’t happy, he must’ve noticed it as well.”  
  
Hutch shook his head. He wasn’t unhappy. He was scared, but he didn’t want to face this fear. Not alone.  
  
“I _am_ happy.” Hutch assured him. “That’s the problem.”  
  
He thought that his father would laugh at him, but Richard only tilted his head.  
  
“You always did think too much, son. How can ‘being happy’ be a problem?” he asked almost exasperated.  
  
“Dad, the reason is the problem. I just... For the first time in my life I am _really_ happy, you know what I mean?”  
  
“And you don’t want to lose it?” Richard asked with a knowing smile. “If you are behaving like that, you might very soon.”  
  
Hutch turned away and leaned his elbows on the balustrade, looking down into the dark water. “I know. That’s what I’m...”  
  
“Ken.” He felt his father’s hand on his shoulder. “Remember when you were a child?”  
  
Hutch looked up at him with curiosity. Richard nodded, when he realized that he had Hutch’s complete attention.  
  
“There was always something missing,” Richard continued. “In you. Everybody could see it. I know that’s why you left. You were looking for this missing part that you couldn’t find here, in Minnesota.”  
  
Hutch wanted to deny it – that was not the reason why he left. It couldn’t be?  
  
“And you found it,” Richard said before Hutch could utter a word. “You know where.”  
  
Hutch nodded, if a bit reluctantly. “Dad, you don’t meet friends like Starsky every day.”  
  
Richard didn’t comment, just asked, “How long you two have been living together now?”  
  
Hutch thought about it. “Almost a year and a half,” he said in wonder. Saying it somehow made the fear of future more real. Hutch tightened his grip on the balustrade.  
  
“It’s longer than you were married to Vanessa,” Richard noticed, but it wasn't said reproachingly, but rather with affection.  
  
Hutch looked at his father closely. He really didn’t want to talk about his failed marriage now.  
  
“Ken, sometimes it doesn't work, but if it does, don’t give up on the relationship.”  
  
“Starsky and I are not married,” Hutch said feeling tired and vulnerable. Would it be easier if they were?  
  
“Don’t give me that, Ken. Some people are not meant for marriage. At least you are not.”  
  
Hutch decided his father was definitely too perceptive.  
  
“I know you are not lovers.” Richard looked at him squarely. “But that is no obstacle for you to spend the rest of your lives together. I had been watching you two in the last few years and you have everything you need to feel safe and fulfilled in your life in this relationship.”  
  
Hutch closed his eyes briefly, because his father was saying everything he felt and feared to lose.  
  
“I know both of you have loved dearly in your life and maybe you will love again, but I think that you’ve already found the other part of your soul. That’s more than most people can even dream of. Second chances don’t happen very often. Trust me, I’m a surgeon. How many have you already been granted? Don’t waste this one, Ken. Maybe it’s his last one. Your last one?”  
  
Hutch saw in his father’s eyes a deep sorrow and something he didn’t notice before. What was the source of that sorrow?  
  
“You are my son, Ken.” Richard turned to face him. “I love you and I want you to be happy. I’ve been living alone for twenty years,” he said with sudden anger. “I know what loneliness is.” Richard clenched his palms on the terrace brass balustrade and added in whisper, “You don’t have to.”  
  
“Dad, I...” Hutch said, but Richard grasped his arm.  
  
“You know that I had many lovers, Ken,” he said slowly, as if talking caused him pain. “Why do you think they never stayed for longer than a few months? Why do you think they only stayed until they got to know me enough to know that my heart was elsewhere? Your mother is not Vanessa. I blew it and I have regretted it for the last twenty years. I always will.”  
  
“Dad...”  
  
“Don’t.” Richard shook his head. “I’ll always love your mother, but she will never forgive me. There’s nothing anybody can do about it.”  
  
“Maybe you could...” Hutch said, again feeling this irrational hope that he never could completely give up. “Mom will be attending Elsa’s funeral in two days.”  
  
Richard only shook his head and sighed sadly. “I don’t expect her to want to talk to me ever again in this life.”  
  
Hutch put his arm around his father’s shoulder. “Dad, Mom also has been alone for the last twenty years. And...” Hutch hesitated.  
  
“Yes?” Richard looked at him, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“It’s almost Christmas. Miracles happen...”  
  
Richard smiled and patted his back. “My son, the everlasting optimist,” he said with astonishment. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, Jane called.”  
  
Hutch frowned. “Jane Allen?”  
  
“Yes, your only ex-girlfriend that lasted longer than a month.”  
  
“Dad!”  
  
“She heard you’re in town and would like to see you. I left her phone number on the table. Call her back if you want to meet.”  
  
Hutch felt mildly intrigued. “I think I might.”  
  
  
  
5.  
  
The night sky was clear and looking up Hutch remembered how peaceful it always had been on this side of the lake. His family had owned the land for decades, but they didn’t spend a lot of time there. Life was too busy for the Hutchinsons and only Elsa had taken care of this place after her husband had died. Hutch’s grandparents loved this place and Hutch was glad that they never gave up on the watermill, even when times and the technology changed.  
  
The river bank was quiet and secluded. Hutch remembered that Jane and he used to spend a lot of time here in the past. Jane Allen was one of his many ex-girlfriends in Duluth, but she was unique. She wasn’t easy to conquer and Hutch had to conquer her every day after he had done it for the first time. She was also the first girl he wanted to marry.  
  
Now it felt comforting that they still could walk together and didn’t even need to talk. Their relationship was special and one that Hutch had never regretted.  
  
“So? Did somebody tame you?” Jane asked when they almost reached the border of the Hutchinson’s property.  
  
Hutch put his hands into his jeans pockets and looked up at the stars.  
  
“Yeah, I guess somebody did,” he said feeling familiar warmth around his heart.  
  
“I remember you were married.” Jane looked at him inquiringly. “And — divorced?” she added cautiously.  
  
Hutch glanced at her and nodded. “Yes and yes.”  
  
Jane touched his arm and rubbed gently. She still looked beautiful – he remembered her with long, red hair and big, stylish glasses. She used to wear jeans and colorful blouses. Now she was wearing a winter jacket and woolen skirt. Her hair was short and the wrinkles on her face only made her more beautiful.  
  
“Your mom once mentioned that your ex-wife died,” Jane continued when he didn’t say anything.  
  
“Yes, Vanessa died three years ago.” Hutch confirmed. The memory was still painful, but he had learned to talk about it without feeling guilty over the reason why she died.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
Hutch took her hand and smiled. “It’s okay. It was three years ago. How about you? Are you married?”  
  
“I am, but won’t be much longer.” She sighed. “My husband filled divorce papers when I was in Africa four months ago and now we are waiting for the court.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Hutch squeezed her hand.  
  
“I think Dan can’t stand what my job requires.” She shrugged. “You know, being a journalist I travel a lot and right now I prefer seeing my name in a byline to bringing up his children. And I can’t cook,” she added as an afterthought.  
  
Hutch smiled sadly; he could understand her easily.  
  
“One day you will find somebody who understands,” he said warmly.  
  
“Yeah, it’s just hard to believe sometimes.” She looked up and he saw unusual sorrow in her eyes. He didn’t remember her like that. She was always laughing and ready to try something new. Moving from one crazy idea to another. Maybe they both changed over the years?  
  
Hutch pointed at the wooden bridge over the river. “Fancy a walk?”  
  
Jane held to his hand and nodded. “This is where you took _all_ your girls?”  
  
“Yup.”  
  
“I remember we spent here a lot of time,” she said and Hutch grinned.  
  
“Yeah.” He said and ducked when she reached for the snow from the bridge handrail and threw it at him.  
  
They walked slowly toward the watermill, talking about the past, present and future, until they reached the fence, where Jane’s car waited.  
  
“I’m really sorry about Elsa,” Jane said when they got to the car. “But I’m glad I could see you again.” She put her hand over his chest and looked up.  
  
Hutch didn’t know who initiated the kiss, but suddenly he felt as if the last twenty years hadn’t existed. Her scent surrounded him, she was so warm and soft and he needed to feel alive. He kissed her back, feeling as if he was twenty again. As if he was still trying to tame her and never really succeeded. Years ago he had to fight for every moment, every kiss and every touch. She was always in motion, always looking for something new, always reaching for more. Now she was giving him all he ever wanted from her.  
  
“I missed you, Ken,” she said when their lips parted.  
  
And so did Hutch. He didn’t want to be alone. That’s what always scared him to death. Maybe she was the answer?  
  
 _“You just be careful there.”_  
  
  
  
6.  
  
“Snow in New York was never as beautiful as it is here,” Starsky said when they left the house and headed toward the lake for an evening walk.  
  
Hutch – who had never seen snow in New York – couldn’t argue with that, but he was more than willing to agree.  
  
“Snow is the only thing I miss in California,” he admitted.  
  
“You also missed putting on our gloves.” Starsky pointed at Hutch’s bare hands. “Or did you lose them again?”  
  
Hutch shrugged. “I guess I left them on the chest of drawers.” This day was too hard for him to think about trivial things like weather or clothes.  
  
“Here.” Starsky took off one of his gloves and handed it to Hutch. “How did you survive the last four days here without me anyway?”  
  
“Thanks.” Hutch said sheepishly and slipped his hand into the glove; Starsky’s warmth still lingering in the soft leather.  
  
Starsky shook his head exasperated. They reached the gate and Hutch opened it for them – the rusted iron scratching against the hinges and scaring the birds from the trees. The sunset came early and the red sky was being quickly replaced by starry darkness. Only a few clouds here and there.  
  
“I liked what you said at the service.” Starsky glanced at him briefly when they walked down the snowy road. “That sometimes we have to let people we love go.”  
  
“I’m... I’m glad you could be there with me,” Hutch said. Starsky’s presence made the morning service and Elsa’s funeral easier.  
  
The Hutchinson family was large and seeing them all gathered in the church and later at the wake made Hutch feel lonelier than ever. When he saw Starsky walking down the aisle toward the front pew where Elsa’s immediate family sat – still with snow in his hair and the same clothes he had traveled in – he felt as if he actually would survive the day.  
  
“You should thank your father. He bought the ticket,” Starsky explained with gratitude.  
  
“I will,” Hutch promised.  
  
Starsky looked around at the oaks and firs covered in snow; the branches brushing against them and the snow falling on their heads and clothes. “I will never understand how you could live in such place and not like Christmas!”  
  
Hutch his heart skipped a beat. “Christmas’s not about a place.”  
  
“Hutch, you think too much!” Starsky grinned. “So? Do you plan to stay here for Christmas this year?”  
  
“Well.” Hutch sighed. “Now, that I’m here anyway, it won’t harm to stay with Dad.”  
  
“Wise decision, buddy.” Starsky touched Hutch’s back. “I saw your Mom in the church. Is she going to spend tomorrow with you as well?”  
  
“I don’t think so.” Hutch shook his head. “How about you?” He looked up. “I know you said you wanted to be alone...” Hutch hesitated, hoping that Starsky would at least think about staying. Maybe it would be their last Christmas together?  
  
Starsky looked at him surprised. “I said no such thing, but yes, if you want me to I’ll stay.”  
  
“Good,” Hutch managed to say. He didn’t know why he was so scared all of sudden.  
  
There was a place at the side of the lake where he never took anybody. It was his private and secret sanctuary. Nobody else knew how important it was for him and suddenly it felt crucial to take Starsky there. They had crossed the bridge and passed by a narrow cape before it became completely dark. Only the snow shone enough in the moonlight to make the walk possible.  
  
“I think we should go back.” Starsky said just before they reached a place where the other side of the lake was visible. The lights of the town – mirrored in the water – made a spectacular view.  
  
“Wow.” Starsky whistled and Hutch smiled.  
  
He stepped closer and put his bare hand on Starsky’s shoulder. “I thought you would like it here.”  
  
“Is this what home means for you?” Starsky turned his head enough to face him.  
  
“Yeah.” Hutch leaned his forehead against Starsky’s temple; their hair mingling. “And you are part of this world now.”  
  
Starsky covered his hand with his palm and Hutch felt his throat tightening. The easy and unconditional acceptance made it sometimes hard to breathe.  
  
“Have you...” Starsky paused. “Have you ever thought of coming back here?”  
  
Hutch blinked, hearing the same fear he felt in Starsky’s voice. “Yeah. I did,” he admitted.  
  
Starsky raised an eyebrow inquiringly.  
  
“I kind of – had a date yesterday,” Hutch said avoiding his eyes.  
  
“Why it doesn’t surprise me?” Starsky asked amused.  
  
“Well, you know me.” Hutch smiled thinking about the events of the previous evening.  
  
“And?”  
  
“Didn’t work.” Hutch confessed without much regret.  
  
“Why it doesn’t surprise me, either?” Starsky repeated the question, though this time there was a hint of sadness in his voice.  
  
Hutch glared at him. Starsky didn’t say anything more and they were just standing there, sharing this moment of silence and unusual peace.  
  
“Starsk...”  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“I was thinking about future...”  
  
“As in here?” Starsky shifted.  
  
“No, not here in Duluth.” Hutch didn’t let him move. “Just let me finish.”  
  
“Go on.” Starsky nodded.  
  
“Thank you.” Hutch squeezed his shoulder. “Starsk, what happened to you last year was wrong,” he said slowly. “It was so terribly wrong that I had neither time nor strength to think about the _right_ things that had happened since then. About how — how better my life is now,” he struggled to find words, but he _needed_ to explain. “Remember what you said when you got your Mom’s letter? I know that this ‘something wrong’ with you is me. It’s not the job and it’s not you. Right now it’s me and...” He felt Starsky tensing. “You can’t waste your time on things that just keep you away from having your dreams come true. Yes, I did help you when... I helped you last year, but let’s face it, now I’m just standing in the way. So,” Hutch took a deep breath. “I want you to know that if you want to move on... I’m... I won’t...” his voice faltered. He hadn’t realized it would be so hard to really let go.  
  
“You have it all figured out, haven’t you?” Starsky turned to look at hm. “Hutch I know that you compare everybody with her, but I am _not_ Vanessa.” He moved his hand to touch Hutch’s chest, over his heart. “How was that again? For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health?” Starsky recited and waited until Hutch nodded. “She picked a few, I – I want them all,” he finished firmly. “You shared every kind of pain I have ever had to face with me. Why wouldn’t I want to share the happiness with you as well? Why wouldn’t you?”  
  
“Because it doesn’t work like that,” Hutch countered.  
  
“So the last fifteen months didn’t work?” Starsky questioned him with a hint of betrayal in his eyes. “How about the last fifteen years?”  
  
“No!” Hutch rushed to say. “But Starsk...”  
  
“Don’t ‘but Starsk’ me here.” Starsky was looking at him intensely. “I don’t care what my Mom said. It’s not me who has a problem with my job and for sure it’s not you. I won’t let anybody tell me any different. I don’t know if you remember, but last year I died. If you think I don’t know how short life is and how lucky I feel I have you, that only means you don’t know me at all. Why do you think I’ve never mentioned moving out? I — like it the way it is.”  
  
Hutch blinked. _The way it is._  
  
It wasn’t enough anymore. He brushed the back of his hand against Starsky’s cheek.  
  
“I love you.” Hutch heard himself say barely above whisper.  
  
Starsky’s eyes were unusually blue in the moonlight, but the warmth in them could vanquish any fear Hutch has ever felt.  
  
Starsky leaned his forehead against Hutch’s and said, “I wish – I wish you could see... I wish you could _believe_ how much it means for me.”  
  
Hutch closed his eyes and put his arms around him, holding him as tight as possible.  
  
“Don’t listen to what I said. I will never let _you_ go,” he said fiercely, touching Starsky’s ear with his lips.  
  
“I would never leave you anyway.” Starsky returned the hug.  
  
Hutch breathed deeply, Starsky’s scent filling him and reminding him that home indeed wasn’t about places or times.  
  
“There’s more, you know?” he said, shifting his hands, so he could hold Starsky even closer.  
  
“More?”  
  
Hutch released him only enough to look at him. “To love and to cherish,” he said. “'till death do us part.”  
  
The smile Hutch loved lit up Starsky’s face. “It won’t, as proven last year. But it’s a start.”  
  
 **THE BEGINNING**

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel: [The Second Choice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/610149).


End file.
